Toxic grudges are killers, says the book

Well, what wonders Jesus works in my life, and Thank You!!! An acquaintance loaned me this book to read, called "What you don't know could be killing you" by Don Colton, MD.
The book basically discusses that what the reader is eating, drinking, using, and holding in their hearts can cause diseases, poor health in general, and early death.
Geez, and I thought fried bologna sandwiches on white bread with double mayo chased down by a quart of Pepsi and a party bag of pork rinds was a good dinner!!!
No, really. After my dad died a few years ago I went through some physical problems, and did some changes in my diet. I stopped eating pork and beef eventually, and soda pop went not long after that. Milk and ice cream went too, though I still force down a scoop or two of vanilla with blueberries once in a while.
After the tragic ankle breaking episode of 2006, I sat around being bummed and pissed off and put on 20 pounds, which I'm still not able to get rid of!! All that exercising hiking and bike riding isn't doing anything --much-- so far.
Ok, WHAT's YOUR POINT!! I hear Pistols crying into his fist! HERE'S MY POINT!!! According to the book, I'm doing some good things to get less-toxic and healthier, and eventually take off that extra weight that is happy to hang around my mid-section, but that I'm UNHAPPY to have there, but there's other things I need to do to get this weight off, and get feeling better.
Next, comes the grudge ending, because that stuff is very killing. Grudges cause the digestive system to work poorly, can even lead to liver problems because the toxins in the body aren't released with all that garbage clogging the way.
What difference does it make anymore to the girl from 4th grade that I still get mad about that time that she got me sent to the principle's office for fighting, even though SHE started it by stuffing wadded paper in my desk? What difference does it make anymore to my ex-husband who kidnapped our daughter 25 years ago for his own reasons and left me holding this huge Samsonite sized grudge? I can forgive these people, let it go for my own health and wellbeing. Melinda is probably fat, and married to some balding unemployed goober who eats spaghetti with his fingers anyway. And I know that my ex-husband has spent his whole life in the shadow of his ghosts and of his father, never having let go of the things in his life that HE needs to forgive.
SO, Dr. Colton spoke to me directly, through his book, and so I thought I'd pass the name of the book onto those of you that could use a boost getting your health going in the right direction. Not everything in the book is for everybody (expecially YOU Gattina), but maybe if someone that I care about will read the book and get some better health in their lives, then I'll feel like I did something, like Phyllis did - she loaned me the book, and today I ordered a copy of it for myself so I can give her's back to her, because she should read it again!!
Um... Pistols, no, I'm not going to get me a white robe and a soap box and go on the road...I am however, going to start eating more vegies and way less bread and see if I can feel better. Even if I don't feel better, my grocery bill will go down, which will make me feel better anyway!! Win/win situation!!

Is forgiveness ever possible?

Twenty five years ago this month my ex-husband kidnapped our 6-week old daughter and drove from Reno to Tulsa, Oklahoma with her. The month that he had her away from me was the most (get that, MOST) horrible time I have ever had in my life. I was 19 at the time and fresh out of high school, newly married, got pregnant on our honeymoon. Short engagement situation, met in June, married in October, and a new baby the following June.

Oh - it wasn't all cake and flowers with him. My ex husband had some serious issues from his homelife. The oldest of nine kids in a 7th day Adventist family, he had it rough. We never talked about his upbringing. The only time I was in the company of his father, the man never spoke to me. His mother was kind and even came to our house one time when Amanda was about 2 weeks old. She watched Amanda while I took a shower and visited till it was time to go back to her husbands office. My ex-husband devised a plan with a woman he worked with to go to HER family in Tulsa, where he would have a place to stay and people to watch our child while he got a job. He told her I was neglecting the baby and using drugs and messing around with some man in the neighborhood (never mind the fact that I just had a baby).

First, the law wouldn't help me because we were married and he had every legal right to take his child anywhere he wanted to take her. He didn't need to even tell me where they were - legally. Thanks to the support from my parents, I hired a private detective, I even consulted a psychic (and BOY was that a waste of money). Nothing worked, nothing helped. I had the paper run a story and offer a reward leading to the location of him and my daughter. Basically for that month, I sat in a valium induced fog waiting and waiting and waiting.

Finally one night the phone rang at my parent's house - it was HIM, saying that he wanted me to fly to Tulsa and meet him, say goodbye to my family and never plan to return to Reno. So, I told him I would, and he would call me the next day to find out when my flight would be in Tulsa and he and the baby would meet me at the airport. Well, I had already obtained a custody order and begun divorce proceedings from him. So the PLAN was to have a friend of the family go with me to Tulsa, serve my ex-husband in the airport with the custody papers, take the baby and get outta Tulsa, heading home. Well - Mr. Crafty came alone to the airport, ruining all our well-laid plans. Funny how that happens. So, I had to ride with him to the house he was staying at and there was my baby girl. Clean, happy and fine - thanks to Jesus for that.

After some time and tears the truth started to come out. The phone rang and it was his friend from Reno - the family he was staying with in Tulsa was HER mother and sister. The woman said that my ex had been fired from his job there - and her mother was very upset to find me there, and just what the HELL was going on now? Were they expected to take care of ME too?? Was I moving into the house too? No, actually, I wasn't there to stay, I was there to get my child and get back to Reno. I dropped the papers on the bed, got the baby and some of her things together, and the sister took me back to the airport. I flew us to Wichita that night and back to Reno the next day.

Not long later, my ex husband returned to Reno and got a job. I set up for child support to be taken out of his check and sent to me through the Social Services department. After he vanished from Reno and the child support payments stopped, I had him tracked to Arizona. I filed papers to have his parental rights terminated - which very much upset my parents because they thought my ex should pay child support either voluntarily or not. My thinking was that he could come around and request visitation, eventually be granted solo visitation rights, and perhaps steal Amanda again, this time making damn sure I never heard from him or saw my child again. So - thinking I was doing the right thing, I let him off the old hook.

I've always kept track of his location (thanks to some good friends of mine in the tracking business). He's a source of concern that if he knew where we were he could somehow do us harm. I wrote to him after Amanda was 18 to tell him that she was interested in talking to him and maybe having some sort of relationship, this is true, however, Amanda changed her mind after I received a phone call from his current wife. The woman had a bag-full of excuses for why my ex-husband couldn't call his daughter for himself, he was just so scared of the entire situation, but now if Amanda wanted to call him - well here's his phone number and address, she was welcome to write him anytime. Well, daughter declined, she said if after all this time he didn't care to call her himself or try to contact her at all, then she wasn't interested. I said fine.

Now recently I ran a check and got a new address, I sent him a note letting him know that Amanda has a baby and a husband and that we're all fine up here in the northern territory, asking him once and for all to explain to me what happened back then in 1982. My thought process is always to know that the address I have for him is current, so if he suddenly moves to Washington state, I'll know exactly where he is. Well, anway, the current wife write this 5 page letter to me, first telling me how happy HE is to be a grandfather!!!, Telling me all the excuses why poor ex husband can't pick up a phone and call someone - he's still living in the past where he might be punished by his daddy if he picks up the phone. Well, ex husband is now 54 years old, and his daddy is deceased. Ok - the rest of the letter is a lavish excuse pile of how he tried to find us in Reno one time and how he's not close to his family, though he still considers me and our child to be family and would I please send current pictures of his daughter and granddaughter for their "family" picture wall. She said she never discussed the time that he and I were together with him, because it makes him so sad to talk about it all. He feels so guilty about not having a relationship with Amanda, blah blah.

Well boo-freaking-hoo honey. I slammed a letter back, first asking her to NOT write me and not call me again unless it is to tell me he's dead so I know we are finally safe from him. Told her he is NOT a grandfather, having never been a father. I also asked her to ask him all the questions I need answers to: why he took Amanda, why he lied to those people and got them to help him with a home and a job in Tulsa, who gave him money to help get away from Reno, did he really try to kill the two of us by hitting a deer the night we left Reno on our honeymoon? (I was snoozing in the back seat of the car and distinctly remember the car accelerating, followed very closely by a slam and screaching brakes, and then I was on the floor of the back seat- when I sat up there was a dead dear in the road and the front of our car was smashed in). I wanted to know what happened in a few other instances along the way.

I wanted him to know that what he did ruined my ability to ever ever trust a man again. I got "fixed" after this happened to assure I would never have that kind of relationship with another man again. I never married again, and have had a lot of serious issues with Amanda because of the separation we went through at such a pivitol time in a mother/child relationship. I told her to tell him that if he'll honestly answer all my questions, I might be able to find a way to forgive him. And of course, I suggested to him that if he feels so guilty about it all, he could send his daughter $43,000 in back support he owes his daughter.

But is it ever going to happen that I can forgive what he did? Should I even? I can never forget or lighten up my vigilance against him. There is so much water under the 25-year old bridge, but I can still see him in my mind, I can still bring back all the raw emotion of the night I got home from work to find the house torn apart, him and the baby gone, all her things missing, and the phone off the hook. The fear I went through of not knowing if she was alive or not, if he'd dropped her off at some orphanage somewhere, if there was ever going to be a time that I would have her in my arms again. Once she was back, there were days I would look at her and not know her anymore. She even pushed away from me, a stranger to her. She and my mother Geri had a warm and sweet relationship, much closer than Amanda and I had. All our life together has been hindered by what happened when she was a baby. We're more like sisters than mother/daughter, and it all goes back to this time, this man, this action.

The last few days have been pretty anxious for me, reliving all this again. Chris of course doesn't understand anything about it. He knows what happened, but he can't understand why I would keep track and keep in touch with my ex husband. Sigh....what a quandary.

Coughin' in the valley!!

Cough... cough....cough
Geez I hate fire season!! There's trees and brush burning north of here and the entire valley is a big smog fest.... Just like smoking a pack without lighting up first!!!

The good part is it really puts the bends on our impending doom of a camping/hike this weekend. Back when I smoked a lotta dope and drank a LOTTA tequila, camping trips with Chris were a lotta fun!! I could hear all those comments and tirades about the Gov'mint and all the work they do keeping the little man down. Not followed far by the Masons, the Catholics, the scewed timelines on the building of the pyramids in Egypt...the USFS locking all those roads to keep us out - even though its public land and WE are the public.... Nowadays, camping trips are simply captive audience trips away from the computer and the comfortable dogonne bed. Blah-blah-blah --- he gets on his box and getsa goin' and I hear Charlie Brown's teacher - WA WA WAAA... WA WA WAAA. Even though I spent $180 on hiking boots, I'm still not going on an overnight hike. I still fear bears, the unknown, the nasty little snake crawling into my sleeping bag to get warm, the possible psycho in the hills with an ax and a bunch of banjo playing relatives.

Watched a FUNNNAY movie last night - Wild Hogs...what a hoot-fest. Ok, some of the stunts were really stupid, but watch to see all those guys riding Harleys - and YEP, they were really riding. It was fun and I laughed a lot. Ray Liotta was a good bad guy and Pete Fonda put in a bit part, SOOOO SAD that he was playing Ray's daddy in this movie. Remember his daddy Henry in On Golden Pond? Now THERE Was a movie. My favorite Pete Fonda movie is Sometimes A Great Notion (with Paul Newman and Henry Fonda)...God I'm old.
Oh - and I was mistaken. I watched The Ghost Rider a couple weeks ago, Pete Fonda was Satan in that one - and one of his lines was "Far Out" when the lights blew out in the carnival walkway. I told Chris that line was from Easy Rider, well, I watched Easy Rider, and Pete never said Far Out all the way through the movie. The closest he got was in the end when he was blown Far Out and away from his Harley by the rednecks and their shotguns... Ok, I was wrong, and I admit it.
BYe now - and Take Care!!

25 Ways to Tell You're Grown UP!!!

Or how to tell Pistols I'm too OLD for him...sorry...

1) Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2) Having sex in a twin bed is OUT of the question.

3) You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4) 6:00am is when you get up, NOT when you go to bed.

5) You hear your favorite song in an elevator, and you know all the words.

6) You watch the Weather Channel.

7) Your friends marry and divorce, not "hook up", and "break up".

8) You go from 130 days of vacation to 14.

9) Jeans and a sweatshirt no longer qualify as dressing up!

10) You're the one calling the police because those *^%#* kids next door won't turn down the sterio!!

11) Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12) You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13) Your car insurance goes down and your car payment goes up.

14) You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15) Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16) You take naps.

17) Dinner and a movie is the WHOLE date, not just the beginning of one.

18) Eating at basket of chicken wings at 3am would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19) You go to the drug store for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20) A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "Pretty good shit!".

21) You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22) "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink like that again!"

23) 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work!

24) You drink at home before going to the bar to save money.

25) When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them, rather than screaming, "Oh SHIT , what the hell happened!!"

26) BONUS: You read through this entire list looking for ONE SIGN that doesn't apply to you, you can't find ONE to save your sorry old ass!!! So you'll copy this and forward it to a bunch of your old friends, so they can feel as good as you do right now, and so they can say something rude back to you!!

This was sent to me by my dear friend Leah from high school. I'll be sending her a private e-mail telling her how much I appreciate being reminded of my age...

Quick update for those of you following along

I've received two e-mails from Howard's - not relatives. I mailed out 10 letters and have received 2 negative responses. Still waiting on those other 8 before I mail out anymore letters. Guess Howard is a common name and there's a lot of Charles, Marks and Rons out there. I do have another clue to follow up on however; a video tape of a Mark Howard that might be my half brother. He was interviewing someone on a small television station in Terrebone Oregon, my mom saw the program and wrote the station and they sent her a copy of the show on video. I will be writing/e-mailing the station and seeing if Mark still works there and if by some chance we're related.
I feel like there's only so far I can go, but I'll go there so at least I can say I tried.
Still getting the silent treatment from dear Auntie in Littleton. I can just see her over there, knowing she's wrong, but having her arms crossed and her lip out...Won't give in, will stand there till hell freezes solid. Well -good for her. She's the one that will lose out - not me.

I cut back on some work hours- I have two Monday's off this month and I'm really looking forward to days off during the week. The change in hours is going to cost less in monetary damage than it will benefit me in physical down time from work, so it's a win/win on the benefits and bullshit analysis program.
Well - back to my big day, take care all.