Yes, Virginia, There is such thing as committment

But, if you live with someone you aren't married to, no matter what the circumstances, even in this DAY AND AGE, there is blatant snubbing going on.

Of course, if the snubbing is from the partner, then we're in a different arena. This is no longer the outside looking in with judgment, it is the husband looking in with judgment, or the wife.

What happened? I'll tell you. Chris informs me "I'm going to a christmas party with co-workers of Jane's and Clarke is going to because the husband plays this instrument and we're going to play music and you can come along too if you want to". What to do?

I called Jane, left a message with Cheeta, andwaited for her to return my call. I said to her I understand there's an invitation to a christmas party....(dead air)... I said - the exact phrase was "I'm going to a christmas party and you can come along if you want to"...she says -" um - well, honestly I hadn't given a thought to inviting you"....."yadda.....blah blah"

Amazingly, I didn't tell her to fk off, or blow me, or anything remotely related to the FACT that Chris and I live together, that we have been together FOR SEVEN FREAKING YEARS!!!!! That there has never been any bit of welcome from them. Ok - so now I understand completely - and thanks. I was gracious and polite, got off the phone, made other plans.

Jane calls back...whiney tone now ... says I'm feeling kinda sick and dizzy - I'm not sure I'm going....might just stay home....Again, I was gracious and polite, hoped she felt better soon enough to get to go to her party, I had made plans and was just leaving to go... her voice brightened and she said well I might feel better after all... will you have Chris call Clark when he gets up?

Sure - bitch, you betcha and fukyouverymuch.

I left, and spent SEVEN dollars to see "The Day The Earth Stood Still". I was cheated out of a good movie just knowing Keneau Reaves couldn't make a stinker sleeper pooper of a movie, but he did.

After that -- I went home --- we got a foot of snow on the ground overnight -- and the city sent out Plow-Boy-Lite to get the streets cleared ---- yeeeesh.

I was thinking about it last night, and several nights in a row. Marriage says that he and she are one person from then on. What's mine is his and what's his is mine. My illness and debts and failures and wins are his... and his are mine. Should the day come that one of us is in a coma in a hospital bed living on wires and tubes, the other legally can say 'turn it off'. The banks, the courts, the hospitals, collection agencies, credit lines treat married people as one person. If at the start- her credit is bad and his is good, then as shared credit - in reality - both are now bad. BUT, they are one person in all those dubious eyes.

Chris and I are not married. He knows it - because he had at the last meeting with these samesaid people introduced me as his "wife - slash - girlfriend". I was very embarrassed. So, he refuses to get married because he says we are married, but he knows we aren't, and he doesn't treat us as though we are.

Chris and I are not married. I know this because nobody that knows us respects us as a couple. I know Jane expects one day soon Chris will wise up and dump me... And I know that this is the truth his mother hides in her heart. Who knows indeed what might happen.

Here is my resolution to this bullshit situation. Jane and Clark can suck my ass. I am through from this moment forward in trying to be friends. There is no reason to consider myself part of their little group, even though they have not gone out of their way to treat me in any way like part of their group. SEVEN years it took me to realize I'm the butt of jokes - again. Thanks in part to the situation with the brother I have come to realize I'm not welcome.

Chris is not in any way to refer to me as his wife - period. I am not referring to him as my husband - period. He's not committed to me because he wants to be anyway, he's committed because he has to be - in his mind - and he's told me as much. He made a comittment for life and that's all there is to it. Fine....even though he's not with the right person, and I'm not with the right person - and we both know it, and our friends know it and his relatives know it... here we sit. We have no relationship together. He works and lives on graveyard shift, I work and live on day shift. Even on our days off he seldom sleeps with me, though honestly I don't mind if he doesn't. We're both used to having the bed to ourselves, and it's hard to adjust to someone being in it. What are we doing anyway? Good question. I'm going to shovel some of that foot of snow we got overnight and think about it while the birds chirp and the wind blows.

He says that Jane called right after I left for the movie, I said I hope she felt well enough to go to the party, he said he didn't know what was going on between the two of us. And that's the end of that conversation. Yup ... it is. Stupid people in stupid relationships with stupid people for stupd reasons. I even know what the outcome could be in court if Chris and I were to break up. He's paid over half the maintenance and operations costs of the house and my car and his pickup since he moved in here in July of 2003. Legally, he is a resident and legally he could sue for his half, and it would be possible for him to force me to settle with him for his half. Interesting thoughts, sad I'm having them again.

Sadly I'm a social retard and am slow to understand social situations. It's inherited: my dad was also a social retard, and so was his dad. Amanda is better socially, but still tends to get in trouble. Chris is a social retard too, but he's talented, and like so many talented weirdo's, he gets away with a lot. He's from a local school and has friends since grade school, same with Amanda. I'm not from any school and have no lifelong friends here. My two friends from high school are in California and Virginia, and I haven't seen either of them since I moved away from Reno.

When I was pulled into the WTF girls group, that was very enjoyable for the majority of it right up till it got to be a terrible situation, then it was over. Funny how that happens in relationships with women! I liked hanging out and even felt like I was part of something, thought it turned out later on that I was never accepted as part of the group there either - I was simply the tag-along of one of the girls, and that ended badly over a man. Stupid people.

What's my choices here? I could shoot someone, but that's just another stupid choice made by stupid people. Better to distance myself again from people who don't like or accept me. I'm beginning to really understand why the Grinch moved to the Alps. Love these long distance relationships via blog that can't be anything but perfect. Can't say the wrong thing because there's back-up buttons and erase buttons. Can't be ugly or fat or zit-covered or tits-to-the-knees or any other sick anti social situation you can think of. On the blog and the web we're perfect and wonderful smart and funny. Well --- here I am happy again, accepted and warm.