Cheat, perjurer, prevaricator, deceiver, deluder...

Or how many words are there for liar?

How honest is TOO honest?

When did I become so damn honest anyway?

Why am I chicken to be honest in person? More than once I have signed on as annonymous (though not on any regular blogs I visit - of course - REALLY REALLY!) and said some tirade type things and then vanished, giving no one the opportunity to chase me down and tell me F'you to my face - as I said I hate confrontations, which accounts for my overeating and nail biting habits. One time when my parents were alive my mom ordered a pre-made thanksgiving dinner from a local grocery store. After she told me about it - I went to the store and paid for the dinner, and asked the store to call my mom and tell her she won the in-store drawing for a free dinner. She was SOOOO HAPPY to have won the dinner for free, she called me chipper and happy and went on and on about it for 10 minutes, having never won something like that ever. I could just smile on the phone and tell her how happy I was for her and how great it was and all that - holding the receipt in my hand... I think this was the beginning of my need, desire, want, behest to be honest in all things - as long as I'm not confronted face-to-face with it that is.

I recall a time when I saw a $20 laying on the floor of a casino, and I just about ran outta my clothes getting over to it to step on it and claim it as mine mine mine! More than once I took money from my mom's wallet, one time I took money from their safe deposit box, other times I took money from my jobs -back when I had regular jobs that is. I lied more than once on my taxes back in days before all those verifications were necessary. Nowadays I pay an accountant a really big yearly amount to figure my taxes and sign his name to it so I'm not in trouble if he screws something up. I keep really good total and honest track of my income and expenses now that I'm self-employed. I have been given too much change at a grocery store, and put it in my pocket - figuring F'k 'em if they can't add, for example: a $3.49 purchase when paid for with a $10 - ummm, that's $7.51 right? Yup, sure it is honey. But anymore I can't take what doesn't belong to me, I'd do well on that new lie-detector reality show, but I'd alienate my family, friends, boyfriend, former employers... in fact I'd get fired again from at least a few of those old jobs for taking money.

Sometime around the time I met Chris, which was 7 years ago in March, I started needing to be honest. I can't lie (in person), I can't keep things given to me in error - like too much change, that wayward gallon of milk or package of toilet paper someone left in their grocery cart at the store. If there's change in the change-machine at the grocery store, I don't keep it.

Thus the hunt for the hummingbird figurine, which by the way, is going to end well. After I lost out on the auction for the WRONG (though very close) version of the hummingbird, I did some more hunting and found two exact duplicates, so one of those will be here in Wenatchee within the week and Mrs. Old-and-sharp-eyed-client will have a hummer with a beak!!! One commenter opined that I didn't have to tell the client I broke the stupid thing, and that's true, but heck what do I say when she asks me what happened to the beak? Oh - I don't know, it wasn't there when I got here? Yeah...right. Thankfully she called to ask me where it went last week instead of asking me when I was still at her house, or I'd have never gotten away with saying I'm taking it so I can find a replacement and sneak it back in and you'll never know the difference anyway, except this one has a beak, and I paid for it!!

There are lies by omission, which are still lies - I know. Chris has asked me questions about my past that I have refused to answer on grounds I'd incriminate myself. There are things I have taken from clients homes - like cookies, or an occasional Tylenol, even a pain pill or two. I did lie to a client I quit working for recently (over the phone). I hate confrontations, so I sent her an "I quit" letter with no reason given, of course that was stupid, because I knew she'd call and want to know why!! So, when she did call, I told her my knees hurt after I leave her house and I can't continue working for her because of the stairs in her house. In truth, her neutered tomcat that continues to piss on the walls and on the throw rugs just finally put me to the end of my last nerve. She knows the cat pisses all over the house - she knows the house stinks to high heaven, and I had the wonderful fun job of putting the piss-rug from under the catbox into the washing machine every other week. EWWWW What a reek that rug has after two weeks of cat-piss-upon. In truth, it does hurt my knees to go up and down the stairs 10 times in 3 hours to clean her house, but the rest of the story would have only hurt her feelings, so I left it at that.

I'm lame, but at least I'm honestly lame!!! I have the new disease: closet-honesty.

GIMME that hummingbird DAMMIT!!!

ALL I want is this little hummingbird figurine to replace the one I broke at a client's house. I broke the beak off of it about 3 years ago, and always felt a bit bad about it. SO last time I was at her house, I snuck out the broken one, and brought it home so I could order a replacement on the internet. Little did I know that this little old woman would notice the missing hummer and call me to find out what I did with it!! I lied and told her it mysteriously ended up in my dirty-rag bucket and I'd return it next time. Thankfully I'm a WAY better liar on the phone than I am in person. I can't keep eye-contact, and have this stupid habit of giggling when I lie. Anyway...

I found one that was a really close replacement on some website, and I ordered it. A few days later it still wasn't on its way to me so I called the company and the guy said SORRY, the manufacturer is out of business and we can't get this anymore. OK FU-REAKING FINE!!!

And NOW I found THIS replacement, which is almost exact on E-BAY!!! HOW the hell did I end up here? Excited about bidding on a 4" high piece of porcelain that some woman bought from an estate sale for about 35c, and now I'm up to $38 bidding on it!!! Some bitch keeps showing up and upping the bid, and I swear I will have this dumb thing if it costs me my next housepayment!!!! I'd love to find that woman that keep overbidding me and break HER beak!!! Not only did I have to get a Paypal account - which I can't use till they get me verified of all stupid things - I have EXCELLENT credit and credit cards up the wazoo, but NO WAY, you have to have some personal paypal account, which links to my credit card and to my checking account, but I can't use it till it's verified. Thankfully the owner of the little figurine will wait a couple days till I get verified to use the paypal account, the only alternative is to send a money order to New York City.... yeeesh what a world!!

I think I'm going to have a heart attack in the next 5 hours till this dumb auction is over and the hummingbird is MINE MINE MINE!!!!!!