Crap goes around in a circle

Well - This month will put PAID to a couple of receipts still in my "in" box.

Starting off, I was sent a copy of my deceased grandmothers will - specifically leaving out any decendents of my father- calling us all 'deceased prior to my grandmother for purposes of the will'. Nice... plus it was signed a year before Chris and I took the trip to see her. I'm having a really hard time getting my brains around to this. No- I wouldn't want her money, and had decided a long time ago that if I were to receive any money from her estate, I'd donate it to the local humane society in her name. Never in my entire life did I ever ask my grandmother for any money. And I always sent thank-you notes for any birthday or holiday gifts she sent me.

It's all so freaking ugly - Dad...cancer....radiation caused psychoses...telling everyone in the family a different story. Begging his mother to come back to Washington, begging his sister and nephew and ME to keep his mother in Denver,different stories to my brother too...stirring the shit so much it hit every member of the family. After all those showers, I find I'm still covered in shit from this mess, so in the...

Meanwhile, after discovering I've been dead for almost 5 years, I've decided it's time to finish my mother's requests and send my brothers wife the Black Hills Gold jewelry she was promised. I e-mailed my brother, he e-mailed back about wondering about it - decided better to let sleeping dogs lie, mom's will and all that crap.

Let me remind readers that his wife stuck her nose into a bee's nest regarding me and my recently deceased grandmother, and harsh words were spoken between us.

Brother is all happy to finally have right done by his wife and daughter.

PSSSSHHHHHHHHHH... but, I'm not going to be bitter and go THERE again.

I'll box up what's left in the jewelry after what I want and what Amanda wants for herself and her daughter. That boxed stuff will go to HER and she can wear it in good health.

Woman-to-woman, this won't be done or forgiven between she and me - and I said to brother that I don't want to re-hash what's between us, but for YOUR information she said that after my mother passed away she didn't have to be nice to me anymore....
Oh? You have been married to my brother for all these years and you've just been being nice to me? Boy, I'm a dummy.

Then there was the fracus with Grandma - after dad died and I was advised that Gram had paid off dad's mortgage, and asking her how much was due back after the house was sold opened up a huge argument, my brother's wife got involved, and I got a chewing on the phone from her.

Now I'm supposed to do right by this phony cow...I'd sooner hold onto those earrings until Hell freezes solid...especially after being accused of pettiness and festering old wounds and materialism, then he tries that peace, love and happy feelings barf.... oh GOD I hate it when he starts that wicken shit. He got some sort of guru thing going after his several brushes with death and bouts with cancer, hep-c, and harley- and drug- related issues -- so of course it's all about letting it go and healing waters and smoking insense burners and chanting for him...yep good.

Here is my to-do list:
Dad's estate settled - check
After the jewelry is mailed - Mom's estate settled - check
Brother and wife happily invited to go screw themselves... check and check.

The worst songs of 1980's

These are ALL on my Walkman Tape


The Absolute Worst Number 1 Hits Of The 1980s


1. Escape (The Pina Colada Song) - Rupert Holmes (1980)
2. The One That You Love - Air Supply (1981)
3. Truly - Lionel Richie (1982)
4. Flashdance...What A Feeling - Irene Cara (1983)
5. Let's Hear It For The Boy - Deniece Williams (1984)
6. We Built This City - Starship (1985)
7. The Next Time I Fall - Peter Cetera (1986)
8. At This Moment - Billy Vera (1987)
9. Every Rose Has Its Thorn - Poison (1988)
10. Milli Vanilli - Girl I'm Gonna Miss You (1989)

I'm so happy to see this list - I know most of the words to most of these songs, brings back all the old memories of school dances and ugly clothes, oh and the ugly hairstyles!!!

Signs of the times

Gosh I'm feeling OPTIMISTIC. Watching the unemployment lines get longer, the lines at the food bank are getting longer too. I was in the grocery store on the first, the number of people with WIC and food stamp tickets was amazing to me.

In light of all that, and that crazy times bring ou the worst in crazy and borderline crazy/violent people, and the fact that my daughter works in a pizza parlor and delivers, I'm reminded to remind myself and everyone else of some basic RULES of SAFE CONDUCT:

MOST important!! Be aware of your surroundings.
Watch your back. Show purpose in your walk - don't look lost or fumbling with keys or packages while crossing a parking lot. Know where your car is!
Watch your purse!! Don't leave it in the grocery cart DAMMIT!! *(I could have stolen probably a thousand dollars from open wallets and purses in carts unattended).
Lock your car doors. Put your purse on the floor in the car, or in the glovebox while you're driving.

As I advised my daughter, my boyfriend, myself, and now everyone else - since I'm so smart and all!!!! In the face of a potentially violent person wanting your money or your property - PLEASE!! Give it up! Stuff is only stuff - not worth getting hurt over.
I told her open the cash register and hit the floor. Don't try to save your employers money.
There's been two armed robberies lately in our little burge - and that's really rare.
Now is the time of crazy people with guns who need money or drugs to sell so - please be careful, someone loves you and needs you...like me!!

Hope springs eternal, but

Ass-bites are always just around the corner.

Mrs. A called me a while ago - (same said Mrs. A from the previous post).

She says the girl they hired to replace me and get the cleaning done stole from her, and did I fill her spot yet? Come back on Thursday right??? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm? The woman came in and did a really good job cleaning up the bedroom, dusted everything up so nice....went to the grocery store, sat down to watch a movie....later on I went to bed, went to get a pill, and they're gone!!! Well, she called the police and the police say this happens ALL THE TIME!!! That people come in to older folks homes and steal their pain pills and sell them on the street!!! OH MY GOSH!!

So--- let me get this straight, I told her. You let me go and (lied to me) told me you were being forced to move to assisted living, and that someone had been hired to clean up the house so you could either sell the house or maybe rent it out. But turns out that after over 5 years with me and never even stolen a cookie from you, done all your shopping, cried with you over losing Newman, fought on your side more than once, relable, honest, always doing extra things for you, and... NOW you say you hired someone to replace me, and you got ripped off, and you want me to come back to work?

Ok - sure, I'm happy to put you back in that spot - however, the rate is $18 per hour. I never raised your rate because I thought you couldn't afford me, but you told me the other day that money isn't a problem, so that's the rate. You have to pay the same minimum rate as everyone else - period. I hung up the phone after telling her she's welcome to call me back if she wants me to work for that rate.

And I'm about done crying over it - thanks.

Reasons to be greatful in this life

Today, I'm smiling. I spent several hours alone with Amanda yesterday, and try as I might, I couldn't remember the last time we spent ALONE time together. It was pretty nice, indeed, even though we were cleaning a VERY VERY nasty house. She hired me for her client, and paid me when the job was over. At least its over for now - the carpet has to be replaced, there's serious plumbing and electrical work to do.... and the State people to pass inspection, then it'll need a buff-up and then he can go home. Maybe. Another long story there.

Meanwhile, Fay is growing and changing and amazing to me. I miss her terribly because she's been spending so much time with daddy's family. The cousins are all in town for the holiday school's out break and staying with other grandma. I miss her, but would never ask to take her away from her cousins, at least not till spring when the garden is in bloom and Fay wants to be out here with us. Hurry Spring!

Chris and I are doing OK. We've gotten to spend extra awake time together with the holiday breaks from work and snow days. I'm always amazed to realize we get a long a lot better when we're on vacation together. We're starting out 8th year together. I hope we'll get to do a 50th anniversary some day.

Work wise, I'm still a necessity for most of my clients. Mrs. A's daughter has forced her to move into assisted living. I don't imagine she'll live long after she leaves her home of over 50 years. Her husband died in April, and though Mrs. A is doing alright, she is a shut-in, and is beginning at 92 to need extra help. She could afford easily to hire a live-in help, but won't do it- she wants to leave all that money to her ungreatful unvisiting uninvolved freaking grandkids and great grandkids. I hope so much that she lives long enough to spend all her money on an assisted living place - screw them all. Monday, I'll be placing an ad in the paper for work. It's hard to get work in the winter, but heck who knows? Never hears to advertise.

Meanwhile, 2008 is over. We didn't lose a dime in the stock market crunch (aka the market adjustment). Neither of us lost our jobs or were forced to shoot-to-defend our homes, food stocks or livestock. Our health was good, I lost weight, our comittment to better eating has paid off. The best part of having older clients is the lessons they can pass on to me about their time in their 40's, and what they were doing then - that put them in their current health in their 80's and 90's. The cats are all doing well. Ruby is growing and thriving and officially too big to weigh. She and Ben are great friends. The other old ladies hiss and smack and ignore, right up till Ruby is chasing and hitting and biting, then they run. It's been kinda fun having a baby in the house. Amanda and I had a couple really rough spots this year. Having a child so near your own age makes it very hard to be a mother. I hope we have hit a neutral zone and we can remain friends. I like being her friend so much better than fighting with her.

For 2009, I hope to get in more backpacking trips. I need too to find someone to stay out here while we're gone in June on vacation. Chris said he won't leave Ruby without someone to stay out here. Of course his next sentence is that the garden won't survive - which is the truth, but his first concern is that silly black cat... bitch.

Happy New Year everybody.

What's important is that we spent time alone. No Fay, no phones, no velcro baby friends... just us. Two women helping out a shut-in

Yes, Virginia, There is such thing as committment

But, if you live with someone you aren't married to, no matter what the circumstances, even in this DAY AND AGE, there is blatant snubbing going on.

Of course, if the snubbing is from the partner, then we're in a different arena. This is no longer the outside looking in with judgment, it is the husband looking in with judgment, or the wife.

What happened? I'll tell you. Chris informs me "I'm going to a christmas party with co-workers of Jane's and Clarke is going to because the husband plays this instrument and we're going to play music and you can come along too if you want to". What to do?

I called Jane, left a message with Cheeta, andwaited for her to return my call. I said to her I understand there's an invitation to a christmas party....(dead air)... I said - the exact phrase was "I'm going to a christmas party and you can come along if you want to"...she says -" um - well, honestly I hadn't given a thought to inviting you"....."yadda.....blah blah"

Amazingly, I didn't tell her to fk off, or blow me, or anything remotely related to the FACT that Chris and I live together, that we have been together FOR SEVEN FREAKING YEARS!!!!! That there has never been any bit of welcome from them. Ok - so now I understand completely - and thanks. I was gracious and polite, got off the phone, made other plans.

Jane calls back...whiney tone now ... says I'm feeling kinda sick and dizzy - I'm not sure I'm going....might just stay home....Again, I was gracious and polite, hoped she felt better soon enough to get to go to her party, I had made plans and was just leaving to go... her voice brightened and she said well I might feel better after all... will you have Chris call Clark when he gets up?

Sure - bitch, you betcha and fukyouverymuch.

I left, and spent SEVEN dollars to see "The Day The Earth Stood Still". I was cheated out of a good movie just knowing Keneau Reaves couldn't make a stinker sleeper pooper of a movie, but he did.

After that -- I went home --- we got a foot of snow on the ground overnight -- and the city sent out Plow-Boy-Lite to get the streets cleared ---- yeeeesh.

I was thinking about it last night, and several nights in a row. Marriage says that he and she are one person from then on. What's mine is his and what's his is mine. My illness and debts and failures and wins are his... and his are mine. Should the day come that one of us is in a coma in a hospital bed living on wires and tubes, the other legally can say 'turn it off'. The banks, the courts, the hospitals, collection agencies, credit lines treat married people as one person. If at the start- her credit is bad and his is good, then as shared credit - in reality - both are now bad. BUT, they are one person in all those dubious eyes.

Chris and I are not married. He knows it - because he had at the last meeting with these samesaid people introduced me as his "wife - slash - girlfriend". I was very embarrassed. So, he refuses to get married because he says we are married, but he knows we aren't, and he doesn't treat us as though we are.

Chris and I are not married. I know this because nobody that knows us respects us as a couple. I know Jane expects one day soon Chris will wise up and dump me... And I know that this is the truth his mother hides in her heart. Who knows indeed what might happen.

Here is my resolution to this bullshit situation. Jane and Clark can suck my ass. I am through from this moment forward in trying to be friends. There is no reason to consider myself part of their little group, even though they have not gone out of their way to treat me in any way like part of their group. SEVEN years it took me to realize I'm the butt of jokes - again. Thanks in part to the situation with the brother I have come to realize I'm not welcome.

Chris is not in any way to refer to me as his wife - period. I am not referring to him as my husband - period. He's not committed to me because he wants to be anyway, he's committed because he has to be - in his mind - and he's told me as much. He made a comittment for life and that's all there is to it. Fine....even though he's not with the right person, and I'm not with the right person - and we both know it, and our friends know it and his relatives know it... here we sit. We have no relationship together. He works and lives on graveyard shift, I work and live on day shift. Even on our days off he seldom sleeps with me, though honestly I don't mind if he doesn't. We're both used to having the bed to ourselves, and it's hard to adjust to someone being in it. What are we doing anyway? Good question. I'm going to shovel some of that foot of snow we got overnight and think about it while the birds chirp and the wind blows.

He says that Jane called right after I left for the movie, I said I hope she felt well enough to go to the party, he said he didn't know what was going on between the two of us. And that's the end of that conversation. Yup ... it is. Stupid people in stupid relationships with stupid people for stupd reasons. I even know what the outcome could be in court if Chris and I were to break up. He's paid over half the maintenance and operations costs of the house and my car and his pickup since he moved in here in July of 2003. Legally, he is a resident and legally he could sue for his half, and it would be possible for him to force me to settle with him for his half. Interesting thoughts, sad I'm having them again.

Sadly I'm a social retard and am slow to understand social situations. It's inherited: my dad was also a social retard, and so was his dad. Amanda is better socially, but still tends to get in trouble. Chris is a social retard too, but he's talented, and like so many talented weirdo's, he gets away with a lot. He's from a local school and has friends since grade school, same with Amanda. I'm not from any school and have no lifelong friends here. My two friends from high school are in California and Virginia, and I haven't seen either of them since I moved away from Reno.

When I was pulled into the WTF girls group, that was very enjoyable for the majority of it right up till it got to be a terrible situation, then it was over. Funny how that happens in relationships with women! I liked hanging out and even felt like I was part of something, thought it turned out later on that I was never accepted as part of the group there either - I was simply the tag-along of one of the girls, and that ended badly over a man. Stupid people.

What's my choices here? I could shoot someone, but that's just another stupid choice made by stupid people. Better to distance myself again from people who don't like or accept me. I'm beginning to really understand why the Grinch moved to the Alps. Love these long distance relationships via blog that can't be anything but perfect. Can't say the wrong thing because there's back-up buttons and erase buttons. Can't be ugly or fat or zit-covered or tits-to-the-knees or any other sick anti social situation you can think of. On the blog and the web we're perfect and wonderful smart and funny. Well --- here I am happy again, accepted and warm.

Sending out that gratitude cards

As I'm sitting here addressing and writing Thank-you notes to some clients, I thought it was a good time to stop and address this issue on the Blog.

When I was a kid I sent thank you's for gifts sent to me. I don't remember being badgered by my parents to do it, so maybe it was some accident of nature that I think it's important to acknowledge receipt of a gift, and to thank the person that took the time out to remember me.

When Amanda was a kid, she had to write thank you's for every gift - even before she could write! I wrote those- and she got to draw on the card... till she got old enough to write them for herself - and she did. I doubt that she still writes notes, especially when she can text someone - yeeessshhhh. She did a good job and actually wrote in the card what she did with the gift cards or cash she received.

In my opinion, Fay is not too young to start doing her own version of a thank you card. Ok - every one that will give her gifts lives here in town... but that's not my point.

My point is that even though I'm about to turn 46 (Yeeeeesssshhh!!!), I still think its important to acknowledge a gift and say thank you.

EVEN if the gift is a purple daisy cookie jar that plays a happy tune when you lift the lid - that you re-wrapped and used at the white elephant party. SHOULD you thank someone for a gift you totally hated? Does that encourage said person to buy yet another horrible gift and send it to you next year? Should you just ignore that person and hope it pisses them off that you didn't send a thank-you and they never buy you a present again? Who loses there??

I have sent thank you's for gifts I hated. I even lied and said I'm using it - or it fits great - or I wanted one for SOOOO LONG!!!!!!!!!! This of course only works if the sender is way in another state, and very very unlikely to come see inside your house, or wouldn't see you wearing that orange and purple sweater she knitted!!

So, I've written thank you's for the gifts given by my clients, and I really do appreciate that they remember me. It's nice to be appreciated, and the nice thing about money is it's the right color and it always fits no matter what!!!

Merry Christmas and happy 2009!