Yes, Virginia, There is such thing as committment

But, if you live with someone you aren't married to, no matter what the circumstances, even in this DAY AND AGE, there is blatant snubbing going on.

Of course, if the snubbing is from the partner, then we're in a different arena. This is no longer the outside looking in with judgment, it is the husband looking in with judgment, or the wife.

What happened? I'll tell you. Chris informs me "I'm going to a christmas party with co-workers of Jane's and Clarke is going to because the husband plays this instrument and we're going to play music and you can come along too if you want to". What to do?

I called Jane, left a message with Cheeta, andwaited for her to return my call. I said to her I understand there's an invitation to a christmas party....(dead air)... I said - the exact phrase was "I'm going to a christmas party and you can come along if you want to"...she says -" um - well, honestly I hadn't given a thought to inviting you"....."yadda.....blah blah"

Amazingly, I didn't tell her to fk off, or blow me, or anything remotely related to the FACT that Chris and I live together, that we have been together FOR SEVEN FREAKING YEARS!!!!! That there has never been any bit of welcome from them. Ok - so now I understand completely - and thanks. I was gracious and polite, got off the phone, made other plans.

Jane calls back...whiney tone now ... says I'm feeling kinda sick and dizzy - I'm not sure I'm going....might just stay home....Again, I was gracious and polite, hoped she felt better soon enough to get to go to her party, I had made plans and was just leaving to go... her voice brightened and she said well I might feel better after all... will you have Chris call Clark when he gets up?

Sure - bitch, you betcha and fukyouverymuch.

I left, and spent SEVEN dollars to see "The Day The Earth Stood Still". I was cheated out of a good movie just knowing Keneau Reaves couldn't make a stinker sleeper pooper of a movie, but he did.

After that -- I went home --- we got a foot of snow on the ground overnight -- and the city sent out Plow-Boy-Lite to get the streets cleared ---- yeeeesh.

I was thinking about it last night, and several nights in a row. Marriage says that he and she are one person from then on. What's mine is his and what's his is mine. My illness and debts and failures and wins are his... and his are mine. Should the day come that one of us is in a coma in a hospital bed living on wires and tubes, the other legally can say 'turn it off'. The banks, the courts, the hospitals, collection agencies, credit lines treat married people as one person. If at the start- her credit is bad and his is good, then as shared credit - in reality - both are now bad. BUT, they are one person in all those dubious eyes.

Chris and I are not married. He knows it - because he had at the last meeting with these samesaid people introduced me as his "wife - slash - girlfriend". I was very embarrassed. So, he refuses to get married because he says we are married, but he knows we aren't, and he doesn't treat us as though we are.

Chris and I are not married. I know this because nobody that knows us respects us as a couple. I know Jane expects one day soon Chris will wise up and dump me... And I know that this is the truth his mother hides in her heart. Who knows indeed what might happen.

Here is my resolution to this bullshit situation. Jane and Clark can suck my ass. I am through from this moment forward in trying to be friends. There is no reason to consider myself part of their little group, even though they have not gone out of their way to treat me in any way like part of their group. SEVEN years it took me to realize I'm the butt of jokes - again. Thanks in part to the situation with the brother I have come to realize I'm not welcome.

Chris is not in any way to refer to me as his wife - period. I am not referring to him as my husband - period. He's not committed to me because he wants to be anyway, he's committed because he has to be - in his mind - and he's told me as much. He made a comittment for life and that's all there is to it. Fine....even though he's not with the right person, and I'm not with the right person - and we both know it, and our friends know it and his relatives know it... here we sit. We have no relationship together. He works and lives on graveyard shift, I work and live on day shift. Even on our days off he seldom sleeps with me, though honestly I don't mind if he doesn't. We're both used to having the bed to ourselves, and it's hard to adjust to someone being in it. What are we doing anyway? Good question. I'm going to shovel some of that foot of snow we got overnight and think about it while the birds chirp and the wind blows.

He says that Jane called right after I left for the movie, I said I hope she felt well enough to go to the party, he said he didn't know what was going on between the two of us. And that's the end of that conversation. Yup ... it is. Stupid people in stupid relationships with stupid people for stupd reasons. I even know what the outcome could be in court if Chris and I were to break up. He's paid over half the maintenance and operations costs of the house and my car and his pickup since he moved in here in July of 2003. Legally, he is a resident and legally he could sue for his half, and it would be possible for him to force me to settle with him for his half. Interesting thoughts, sad I'm having them again.

Sadly I'm a social retard and am slow to understand social situations. It's inherited: my dad was also a social retard, and so was his dad. Amanda is better socially, but still tends to get in trouble. Chris is a social retard too, but he's talented, and like so many talented weirdo's, he gets away with a lot. He's from a local school and has friends since grade school, same with Amanda. I'm not from any school and have no lifelong friends here. My two friends from high school are in California and Virginia, and I haven't seen either of them since I moved away from Reno.

When I was pulled into the WTF girls group, that was very enjoyable for the majority of it right up till it got to be a terrible situation, then it was over. Funny how that happens in relationships with women! I liked hanging out and even felt like I was part of something, thought it turned out later on that I was never accepted as part of the group there either - I was simply the tag-along of one of the girls, and that ended badly over a man. Stupid people.

What's my choices here? I could shoot someone, but that's just another stupid choice made by stupid people. Better to distance myself again from people who don't like or accept me. I'm beginning to really understand why the Grinch moved to the Alps. Love these long distance relationships via blog that can't be anything but perfect. Can't say the wrong thing because there's back-up buttons and erase buttons. Can't be ugly or fat or zit-covered or tits-to-the-knees or any other sick anti social situation you can think of. On the blog and the web we're perfect and wonderful smart and funny. Well --- here I am happy again, accepted and warm.

Sending out that gratitude cards

As I'm sitting here addressing and writing Thank-you notes to some clients, I thought it was a good time to stop and address this issue on the Blog.

When I was a kid I sent thank you's for gifts sent to me. I don't remember being badgered by my parents to do it, so maybe it was some accident of nature that I think it's important to acknowledge receipt of a gift, and to thank the person that took the time out to remember me.

When Amanda was a kid, she had to write thank you's for every gift - even before she could write! I wrote those- and she got to draw on the card... till she got old enough to write them for herself - and she did. I doubt that she still writes notes, especially when she can text someone - yeeessshhhh. She did a good job and actually wrote in the card what she did with the gift cards or cash she received.

In my opinion, Fay is not too young to start doing her own version of a thank you card. Ok - every one that will give her gifts lives here in town... but that's not my point.

My point is that even though I'm about to turn 46 (Yeeeeesssshhh!!!), I still think its important to acknowledge a gift and say thank you.

EVEN if the gift is a purple daisy cookie jar that plays a happy tune when you lift the lid - that you re-wrapped and used at the white elephant party. SHOULD you thank someone for a gift you totally hated? Does that encourage said person to buy yet another horrible gift and send it to you next year? Should you just ignore that person and hope it pisses them off that you didn't send a thank-you and they never buy you a present again? Who loses there??

I have sent thank you's for gifts I hated. I even lied and said I'm using it - or it fits great - or I wanted one for SOOOO LONG!!!!!!!!!! This of course only works if the sender is way in another state, and very very unlikely to come see inside your house, or wouldn't see you wearing that orange and purple sweater she knitted!!

So, I've written thank you's for the gifts given by my clients, and I really do appreciate that they remember me. It's nice to be appreciated, and the nice thing about money is it's the right color and it always fits no matter what!!!

Merry Christmas and happy 2009!

The end of an era

I found out last night that my grandmother has passed away. She was born in 1915, just turned 93 in October.
All my life Gram and I wrote letters back and forth. She was always full of good solid advise and told me lots of stories from the family past.
The last time I saw her was 2 years ago April when we visited Colorado on our vacation. I got to see the matriarch of my mom's family - the Hornbek homestead, and I got to see the matriarch of dad's family - Gram.
Always sharp and intelligent, Gram had something interesting to talk about and something witty to say on nearly any subject. I remember the time she lived with us in Reno when she was divorcing my grandpa Jack, it was a fun time, I didn't even mind sharing my room.

Reba Fulmer Howard Boone passed away on December 16, 2008 at the age of 93. She was survived by her daughter Claudia of the home, grandsons and granddaughters, great grandsons and great granddaughters, and 6 great-great grandchildren that span the country from California to New Mexico. She is preceeded in passing by two husbands - Jack and Fred, by three children - Ron, LouAnn and Chuck, her sister Bernice and parents. Those that knew Reba will remember her for her intelligence and whit, she was also known for her talent in painting and her wonderful gardens.

Since nobody is reading my blog anyway

Why not really say something terrible and risque right here in public? Sort of like airing dirty laundry. Why the hell not anyway? As I said - don't think anybody has the time or the inclination to read my ranting anyway. Nowhere nearly as wonderful and sweet as Grammie is to her grandkids. Love in her life is sweet. Gattina and her travel and cats and wisdom have won her great acclaim. Pistols of course is a soap opera with daily followers. Me... well, I'm just plodding along here.

So - here's the thing. My boyfriends best friends brother-in-law is very hot. He makes me feel silly and stupid like when I was a teenager. No - he's not gorgeous. He's just your average looking guy - some wouldn't find him all that amazing looking at all -- but when I'm around him I can feel my eye's bug out, my tongue loll out of my mouth....I feel wet and wrung out and all I want to do is jump in his lap and yell BOUNCE ME BABY!!!
Ahem....
I came home Friday night to find best friend's jeep in my driveway. First thought was that lazy fucker can't park in the yard like everybody else, has to park his drippy stupid jeep in my driveway, in MY parking spot. Ok - fine, I get out of the car, trap through the snow to the door, and there's an ashtray on the step. I HATE SMOKING and I HATE ASHTRAYS... but that made me think that Steve came along...No way would Steve come out here - he's an Anthiest and no way's he going to get trapped out here. So, I open the door - and THERE HE IS!!!!
The object of my desire, the one man in the world that could nod his head at me and make me give up my life, my job, my family, my world.... just to look into those beautiful green eyes. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....
So I come in and start stammering and flop down and start taking off my jacket and shoes and deal with the cats and Chris and best friend and hotty is SITTING ON MY COUCH!!!!! Right next to me. He has his 100% jar on the table and a couple of apparatus in the same area, said Take your pick... oooooohhhhhhhh thank you - my PICK!!! take your shirt off, and follow me.
................... no.
SO then he confused me by handing me this little green package and said take your pick and help yourself.. Ok, I finally understand... takes this blond a minute. Pick one, load up and help yourself. So, I did.
Then just to cause me a heart attack, he does this funny stretch move that shows off his nice little hairy belly. I can't swallow the lump in my throat....or stop the hot flash from crossing my face.
Since I was introduced to brother-in-law I've been dealing with these sensations when I'm around him. I say stupid things, I get a dumb girl look on my face, I wonder if I could get away with putting my hand between his legs. How could I have an affair with my boyfriends best friends brotherinlaw? I couldn't is how. There's no way I would give up what I have with Chris - no reason in the world. In fact I've been putting some serious thought to this subject. What would it take, how would it work, how to approach the subject? What would he be giving up? I have run all this through my mind - there's too much to give up on either side, and obviously he's not the catch I think he is - or he'd have a woman of his own already. I know if he shows up with a woman I'll be jealous and rude.
I know this is wrong even thinking about it, talking about it is the same as actually doing it in some people's minds. I've gone all the way in my mind with someone I've never touched, who's never made one remark or look or anything. He's straight up with everyone I've seen him talk to. I like his sister a lot, I like her husband and I love Chris.
Am I unhappy or bored in my relationship? Is this the start of the seven-year itch? Is there something for me to worry about in myself? I know I've said Chris loves me more than I love him. What will keep me here? What will keep my relationship with Chris steady and on the right course? How DARE I even have these thoughts? How could I tell Chris about it? Should I? What would he do if he knew I had the hots for someone? Would he consider I was cheating and break up and move out and let the thoughts ruin our relationship? Would telling him do it?
What stops me from talking to HIM? Because saying the words to that person will forever change everything, is why. There is no reason whatsoever to put assunder everything I have worked for, that Chris has worked for. IT would cost me everything, including my relationship with my daughter and my granddaughter.
Probably even for saying this I'm in serious trouble. Ok, here goes, I'm going to publish this, and hope I'm not struck by lightning.

Who's going to bail me out???

How come all you need is a BIG HUGE EMPTY pocket... and someone from the white house will come fill it up for you???

Why won't someone fill up MY empty pocket with no strings attached?
I have another question? How come the gas companies aren't being forced to bail out the auto companies??????? HHHHHHMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!
Why is it that the bastards can take BILLIONS AND BILLIONS in profit while the object of their affection - the automobile -- is in deep shitolees because gas prices went through the ceiling.
Amazingly - by the way.. gas is cheaper now than it was 5 years ago!!!!!! I'm amazed completely.
But - the auto makers want someone to fix their booboos, but they have all this concession money to make more-efficient cars=-- why aren't they using that money to bail themselves out?
WHY isn't BIG OIL forced to fix BIG AUTo's problem??
If I ran BIG AUTO.... the next freaking car would run on rat crap. No money to the Big Oil at all - fuck em.
Ok - getting off my soap box - thanks for listening.