Peter Pan lives at my house!!!

Ok, today is man-bashing day. Apologeez in advance to those that will be offended.

Chris is mad at me for breaking my ankle. And he's mad because he didn't get his vacation.
Well, lets back up. He's mad because I was married before I knew him, had a child, promised him I'd support us both in my accounting business so he could quit his job and start a music career(my accounting career never materialized thanks to Enron). He's also mad because I'm 8 years older than him, in a daily fight with my over-weightedness, in a daily fight with my ghosts of life with alcoholic family members, and fighting the childhood illnesses brought on by living with smokers that caused me to be a couch potato for so many years, and thus have no sense of competition and a weight problem. But this isn't a pity party for me. I'm dealing with my issues, and feel like I have made some strong advances in all fronts. Every day I try to do better, and every day I do better is a celebration. He, on the other hand, has always been athletic, in good health, had a strong religious family upbringing, and was born a genious. He doesn't understand people with less intelligence than him, in fact I think all us stupid people all just piss him off. Sad to spend your life being pissed off huh?

Now, WHY does he feel like everything is some sort of competition? WHY does he have to be better, faster, smarter, than every other person in the world, especially his woman? I don't feel the need to compete. I'm happy knowing the dishes are done, the bills are paid, dinner is cooked, the cupboards aren't bare, the cats are safe, the granddaughter is thriving, the daughter is working (part time), the son-in-law is actually getting off his butt to look for a job (that's another story).

WHY can't we have a conversation that doesn't have to be about what you know? We watched a movie (The Interpreter) wherein the main character's hair was an issue for me, it was in her face the entire movie(Nichole Kidman), and really put me off. Well, Mr. Know's-every-damn-thing-in-the-world said that is the correct hair style for a rich white South African woman. I said, really? Do you know a lot of rich white South African women who wear their hair in their faces like that? He said of course, it's all over the web and he can prove it. So today I find laying on the computer table a stack of papers he's downloaded that show black South African women and discuss their political fight to have their hair in their own way, not shaven as was the law from white rich South African statesman. I called BS on that one, and he's walking around with his lip out. Not proven right, and no way to prove himself right. Anyone out there with answers on this one?

I grew up in a household with a man who won his fights with his angry words or his fists, depending on how drunk he was at the time. He could intimidate a dragon if he was loaded up enough. From that, I learned to shrink away from intimiation and anger. Chris works himself up and gets that look on his face which any woman can recognize if she has angry, intimidating people in her life. That face says you can't win and I'll yell as loud as it takes to back you down. So, we spend a lot of time in opposite ends of the house, and have spent this week's vacation pretty much unhappy and not speaking much past yes or no. He's slept on the sofa most nights, and if he comes to bed he stays as far on his own side as he can get, which is ok with me, because I don't really want to be touched. It's very hard to be intimate with someone that thinks of you as beneath them, fat slow and unmotivated -- yes, he has used those words. He stays I think because he's committed. Unhappy and sorry he's committed, but feels he has to stay because he said he would. I'm staying because the house is in my name, and I don't throw him out because I can't afford to be on my own. One day I'll be financially able to toss him out, and I'm going to.

One more thing. WHY won't men tell their mothers NO? Chris whined to me because his mother said she wanted him to bring his camera and take pictures during his sister's wedding this weekend. He said he's on vacation and why should he have to work? Well, when mamma called up and asked him, he said sure no problem, he'd even buy extra film and make sure he got all those special shots for the happy couple. John (my son-in-law) answered this question by saying that his mother has done so much for him over his lifetime that he just wouldn't tell her no. My dad showed his mother how much he loved her by getting married on HER birthday. None of these men will stand up to their mothers for any reason, period. I don't understand that at all.

Why also, when I ask him to do something do I get crap? Yesterday I asked him if he wanted to take a couple hours today and ride up to the lake with my son-in-law and pick up his toolbox from his now defunct job. Chris said no, he didn't want to, he's on vacation and didn't want to work. Then got into why did I want him to spend time with John? Why didn't my daughter help him get his toolbox, why can't he find someone else? Is he looking for work or just sitting on his ass till his unemployment runs out? Anything that requires Chris to put forth time, effort, or money gets me an argument and beligerance.

Oh, and I got corrected for the ten thousandth time in our relationship. If I had asked him if he WOULD do this, that would have been different, but since I asked if he WANTED to, that's different. Semantics, always about semantics. He drives me crazy, and there was one time I told him if he was a woman, I would understand why a man would beat his ass. I could beat his ass, I outweigh him, and I'm a pissed off woman in a cast!!

When we were first together, I thought his constant talking was kindof cute and amusing, it was amazing to me how many things he could talk about, and how much he seemed to know about. Understand, this guy was 4.0 through all years of school, and went to Whitman College here in Washington State (that's a big deal). So he's smart. He's also beligerant, moody and tends to be downright cruel. Boy this has really gotten away from the subject, and I'm sorry dear readers. I'm feeling kinda put upon since I didn't get my vacation either. I get to sit around the house doing nothing with my foot in a cast, while he has the freedom to do whatever he cares to and has spent the majority of his vacation pouting because he can't go hiking or camping or to the ocean. In my opinion (and I have said out loud to him) he should go do whatever he wants to do, with or without me. If it were ME whole and HIM in a cast, I'd go to the ocean without him, and enjoy the peace and quiet. He won't however, because he doesn't like doing things alone, but doesn't like to go hiking with me because he can go faster and further without me. Maybe this broken ankle is really a gift from God to tell me I'm in the wrong relationship and it's time to hobble out. He's never happy about anything, period. The world is run by the Masons and the feds are out to get him, and all holidays are commericalized ways to steal our money (which I believe too).

I was completely single for 7 years before I met Chris. We met over AOL, a match made in cyber space. We talked online for about 3 months before we met in person, then we dated in person for a few more months before anything physical happened between us. After we stated our intention to commit and stay together, we moved on to that next step. So, neither of us jumped in with our eyes closed. We maintained separate homes for two years before he moved into my house out here in the country. I realized from the beginning that there were going to be problems, and 5 years in, I'm certain that my dad was right, he said people don't change, only their circumstances change. He wasn't always a good man, but dad was pretty smart about people.

So now, it's Thursday, and Chris is getting geared up to be bummed about the end of his vacation. I could see it on his face today when he got out of bed at 2pm. His lower lip is out and he's not talking. I realize this means that he knows that the week is nearly over and he got to do absolutely nothing all week, and it's all my fault. He hasn't gone shopping for wedding clothes either and I'm not bringing that up. He'll probably stop somewhere on the way and buy something, hope he remembers to take off the tags before we go to the ceremony. He's 35 by the way, in case anyone wonders about his child-like behaviour. He's only immature, not a child. I have been told by a client that has celebrated her 72nd wedding anniversary that men never grow up, her 95 year old husband is just as immature today as he was when they met, oh that helps me feel a LOT better!!!

Thanks for letting me air dirty laundry in public! Sometimes a girl just needs to vent a little. I hope those that I sent the invitation to the photo's got to see my sweet baby granddaughter Fay, this darn dialup takes so long to download pictures, its just quicker to copy the e-mail addresses and offer the pictures from the albums, hopefully nobody minded too much. Talk to you all again after we get back from the wedding!!